Dogs & Cutlery: The Battle of Good and Evil

I always use caution before I go to battle. I try to make sure that all of the information I have is accurate. I try to ensure that before I employ our forces, we use every possible means of diplomacy. I try to think what the consequences may be - the good and the bad. And, let me assure you, neither I, nor my family, nor my powerful friends make a dime on the horrors of battle. Wouldn't it be nice if this were the case with all of our leaders (you know who I'm talking about, so take your head outta the sand in 2008 why don'cha?).

I took a look at the biggest lion, straight in his eye, and demanded, "Hey! Tell your boss - if he's so powerful - to meet me in 'Dogs 'n Cutlery'....and tell him to come alone." The lion's growl was as much of an 'okay' that I knew Dick Cheney would meet with me.

Perry, Moose and Kermit pleaded to join me. "I cannot bring others with me Moose," I explained. "I must do this alone. I must use the powers I have refined over the many hours of training... I will utilize the powers I hold. The powers of poopy pants, the powers provided through my eight pearly teeth, and the powers of my weapon to give me constant strength: my binky. Leave me to battle this myself, my friends."

And with that, we parted our ways.

It was a long crawl to the 'Dogs and Cutlery' section. And, along the way I fought possessed wolves, three mountain lions, seven snakes and an armadillo (which wasn't really a fight, but more of an explanation about how it was against his own personal interests if he continued to empower the evil wizard Cheney and his cohorts. You know, stuff like an understanding of the armadillo habitat, health care for mammals with exoskeleton-like bodies. I explained that Cheney is single-handedly responsible for stopping efforts to put armadillos under the insect plan, just like turtles have).

Lickity split, he changed his mind. And, he was good enough to create a diversion for me near the barbecue and patio section. It was where my folks were. And if they saw me, they'd a been really mad if they knew I was saving the world...AGAIN!

'Dogs 'n Cutlery' was cold. Not the kind of cold that freezes snot on your sleeve. But, instead, the kind of cold that makes you feel like you were just put to bed by your grampa or gramma or somebody else and they forgot to turn on your lullabies. And, you're trying to fall asleep but you can hear what's going on downstairs and there's a little bit of light in the room so you only see the reflection of the beads-for-eyes that stuffed animals have and, really, the most scary thing is some stuffed clown that your folks admitted was creepy but forgot to throw in the yard sale pile and its looking at you from the shelf and you try to calculate how hard you have to hit it if it jumps into your crib but that freaks you out so much you just scream until your mom or dad comes home to put your lullabies on. You know, that kind of 'cold'.

It didn't take much for me to figure out that the evil wizard was really good at one thing: being on time. I commend that, it's a real trait to have and most people appreciate it. I certainly did.

"So, the hotshot of the blogosphere has come to save the world," Cheney said slyly.

"Hello," I said. "Thanks for being on time, that's really remarkable. I thought for sure you'd be late or something."

"Argh mumbly wrumbly," he replied out of the corner of his evil mouth.

"Look," I explained. "These animals don't like you. But, they've got too much to do when it comes to rebuilding their lives and their families. They've got to find shelter and food and they're struggling just to stay together. I'm not so sure you gain anything by continuing to cast spells on them. Can't you just take your grotesque fortune and move far away with your creepy friends?"

"No, I cannot...I WILL NOT," he replied in an entitled way that only evil people are capable of doing. "We will all pass - and our time on this earth we will be reduced to nothing. So, my goal is to make the living things on earth as uncooperative and depressed as possible. Power and greed are the only virtues that one should strive for."

I was shocked. This guy really is a complete wingnut.

"That's kinda' of a dumb way to leave the world for future generations, don't ya think?" I asked.

Instead of answering me, he seemed to get embarrassed...maybe mad. Yep, it was mad.

I could tell this by the way he pulled my binky out of my mouth and threw it into the fishing tackle department.

With my binky gone, I was lacking power and really lacking options.

Then, I heard the clap of hooves. Above, I saw scores of mountain goats coming to my aid.

"Hey, Cheney," a voice from atop the mountain yelled. "When you get all that money for exploiting the world, do you kiss it?"

The wizard stopped and looked up, now even madder.

It was at that moment that Cheney realized that my message of working together was developing into a movement.

For you see, Cecil, once the most shy of mountain goats, was the demanding and authoritative goat challenging this powerful wizard.

Cecil was clearly defending my honor. And as all of us knew, including Cheney, Cecil was defending the honor of all unfrozen animals.

"Well, Cheney, you worthless wizard, we think you should kiss a bit of this too!"

"Ohmuhgosh," I thought. "This is waaaaay too risky for my conservative blog!"

But, then I thought, "It's Dick Cheney. Everyone wants him to smooch their hiney. This thing will be a real hit!"

And, seeing Cheney's face after Cecil waved his bottom was kinda funny.

"Alright, you little pest," Cheney grumbled from the back of his throat and out the side of his mouth. "You win today. But let me assure you that there is no greater reward in life than the satisfaction one gets at manipulating the masses for your own personal gain - no matter the sacrifice or costs to others."

"Get out of here," I said. "I look forward to challenging you again someday. And, I am sure I will see your ilk around in my travels. I'll let them know who won the first battle....

But, if anyone asks you, you tell 'em you were defeated by "The Goo."